(This post was originally aimed to be written Wednesday night, but due to storms, I lost power and could not complete it. So I'm completing it now.)
Ever have one of those days where you come across readings that just speak to you?
For work I had to read an article about atrial fibrillation, a condition from which I mildly suffer (at least, I hope mildly. My understanding of the condition was limited to me being taught about it as a child). We always just called it heart palpitations, but really it's Afib and reading about it in the article was depressing (symptoms, side effects, mortality rates). I had the impression that I should value my life and live it to the fullest. Do what I want in case my hours are marked.
Driving home I considered (not for the first time) that maybe I've never really pondered the future, that I've never been able to envision the future because I don't really have a future. That sounds so morbid...But sit and listen to your heart beating quietly in your chest. Think about how fragile it is. Think about how with a single seize it could fail and then you'd be no more.
So I want to take better care of myself. I can't give up caffeine completely (and I'm not sure how much influence it has anyway) but I would like to cut back. And try to do more relaxation/meditation. That's it for now. We'll see how it goes.
Tonight I finished The Lost Language of Cranes by David Leavitt. In it, after Philip's boyfriend has dumped him, he realizes he has alot of free time on his hands and if it weren't for work and his parents, he could just vanish into nothingness. This spoke to me, because I often wonder if I could just vanish. And then I got to wondering if I do all these things to fill my time so that I don't realize how easy it would be to vanish.